Honesty

I think the reason I haven't posted here in almost a week is because I feel as though this blog should be inspiring and full of positive energy and insight. It feels like it must be happy and full of success.

This has lead me to consider what I define as success. Is success being perfect based on the parameters set by others? By being a size 2 with perfect proportions, being uber-rich, having everything in order and together, knowing where you are going? Or is it about accepting yourself, reaching your full potential (not someone else's), loving yourself, living and experiencing those moments when you are happy as well as sad (or angry or overwhelmed or lost or inspired or creative...you get the point)?

I'm having a tough time understanding success. I'm working through a ton of emotions all at once. I've found that this journey has pushed everything to the forefront. It is okay to be emotional, despite what society says. I have pushed everything to the back, hidden it away, and put on that happy face. By doing that, I've hidden what I'm feeling, from people and from myself.

So here I am digging it all out.

---

Today was filled with anxiety for me.

First it was Marker's farrier and vet appointments. I was worried that he would kick one of them or blow up or need sedation. He only tried to kick the vet when the rabies vaccine came, and he was fine once they gave it in the chest. Now just to trailer load.


Then I got started thinking about money. My horoscope said to not talk or think about money at all today, but rather my passions. Yet I got bogged down by the details of the upcoming months (or rather lack of details). I know what I enjoy doing for the most part. I know I am sick of having a job, of having to work. I don't mind pursuing my passions to supplement my life and enjoying myself. I just don't want to get stuck in a job. I spent 3 years working in a grocery store and hated everything except the first year and half. Especially the last year. It was unhealthy.

So I changed jobs. I got a job at a college. They took a chance on me and I succeeded. But I got burnt out after a year. I got dragged down by negative people and the continuous drama in an office. That was when I decided to move. I moved to Oregon, got started in school, was accepted to a great college in Pennsylvania and Kentucky. I was going to go to school in a few months in Pennsylvania, but my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer. I don't blame her in anyway at all. It was just a change of situation, something needed to happen to reshape my life for some reason.

I moved back to Arizona, got back into working at the college (same college, different location), and started school because I didn't know how else to live. I think attending school was a compulsion. I haven't known anything else but attending school since I was 5 years old. It was a habit. An expensive habit. Yes, I got my Associates degree, but I don't think it was the right decision at the time. If I was to go back I would maybe think about it a little harder and considered other options.

My mom did pass away a year later and that was devastating. We'll cover this later...


Again, I got burnt out, involved in office drama, transferred to a new department, but the same negative energy was vibrating. Sometimes it was so thick I felt like I was wading through it. I graduated, started work at an emergency vet clinic, loved my work, but got burnt out from working nights and with bitchy doctors. I loved the work, but it is very draining.

I thought I was going to move to Oklahoma (different story, different day), but didn't. I couldn't get my job back since they were on a hiring freeze. So I found a new one at a daytime clinic, and despised it. I think I may have hated it less if I was being paid decently, but they were used to taking people off the street and training them. That doesn't warrant paying more than $11/hr, and with driving 1 hour each way to work, the bills add up and don't get paid.

And now that leads me to the Census. I enjoy working with the majority of the people there (there are always those few). I am doing something that matters and getting paid enough to survive. Yet it's temporary. And I honestly don't know if I could do that job for a living. Much too repetitive with not enough opportunity for advancement. It is a temporary job and designed as such.


Lay-offs are coming and I don't know what I am going to do. That freaks me out. I already have one account in collections (repossessed car) with more than I can ever afford to pay (but must pay unless I file for bankruptcy and that's just messy). I must be able to keep my horse and afford boarding/training/vet bills/food/etc. He is my passion and makes me smile. That is what is important in my life. I enjoy feeling and seeing healing, especially in horses. I enjoy working with them. I keep getting lead this direction, so I guess I just need to jump and know that the landings will be there to welcome me.

I guess I have a plan but am just scared about failure. That's normal, right? Well, I'm tired and I have to work in the morning. I'll expand more on this tomorrow and hopefully wake up refreshed (and not woken up by the damn neighbors).