Honesty

I think the reason I haven't posted here in almost a week is because I feel as though this blog should be inspiring and full of positive energy and insight. It feels like it must be happy and full of success.

This has lead me to consider what I define as success. Is success being perfect based on the parameters set by others? By being a size 2 with perfect proportions, being uber-rich, having everything in order and together, knowing where you are going? Or is it about accepting yourself, reaching your full potential (not someone else's), loving yourself, living and experiencing those moments when you are happy as well as sad (or angry or overwhelmed or lost or inspired or creative...you get the point)?

I'm having a tough time understanding success. I'm working through a ton of emotions all at once. I've found that this journey has pushed everything to the forefront. It is okay to be emotional, despite what society says. I have pushed everything to the back, hidden it away, and put on that happy face. By doing that, I've hidden what I'm feeling, from people and from myself.

So here I am digging it all out.

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Today was filled with anxiety for me.

First it was Marker's farrier and vet appointments. I was worried that he would kick one of them or blow up or need sedation. He only tried to kick the vet when the rabies vaccine came, and he was fine once they gave it in the chest. Now just to trailer load.


Then I got started thinking about money. My horoscope said to not talk or think about money at all today, but rather my passions. Yet I got bogged down by the details of the upcoming months (or rather lack of details). I know what I enjoy doing for the most part. I know I am sick of having a job, of having to work. I don't mind pursuing my passions to supplement my life and enjoying myself. I just don't want to get stuck in a job. I spent 3 years working in a grocery store and hated everything except the first year and half. Especially the last year. It was unhealthy.

So I changed jobs. I got a job at a college. They took a chance on me and I succeeded. But I got burnt out after a year. I got dragged down by negative people and the continuous drama in an office. That was when I decided to move. I moved to Oregon, got started in school, was accepted to a great college in Pennsylvania and Kentucky. I was going to go to school in a few months in Pennsylvania, but my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer. I don't blame her in anyway at all. It was just a change of situation, something needed to happen to reshape my life for some reason.

I moved back to Arizona, got back into working at the college (same college, different location), and started school because I didn't know how else to live. I think attending school was a compulsion. I haven't known anything else but attending school since I was 5 years old. It was a habit. An expensive habit. Yes, I got my Associates degree, but I don't think it was the right decision at the time. If I was to go back I would maybe think about it a little harder and considered other options.

My mom did pass away a year later and that was devastating. We'll cover this later...


Again, I got burnt out, involved in office drama, transferred to a new department, but the same negative energy was vibrating. Sometimes it was so thick I felt like I was wading through it. I graduated, started work at an emergency vet clinic, loved my work, but got burnt out from working nights and with bitchy doctors. I loved the work, but it is very draining.

I thought I was going to move to Oklahoma (different story, different day), but didn't. I couldn't get my job back since they were on a hiring freeze. So I found a new one at a daytime clinic, and despised it. I think I may have hated it less if I was being paid decently, but they were used to taking people off the street and training them. That doesn't warrant paying more than $11/hr, and with driving 1 hour each way to work, the bills add up and don't get paid.

And now that leads me to the Census. I enjoy working with the majority of the people there (there are always those few). I am doing something that matters and getting paid enough to survive. Yet it's temporary. And I honestly don't know if I could do that job for a living. Much too repetitive with not enough opportunity for advancement. It is a temporary job and designed as such.


Lay-offs are coming and I don't know what I am going to do. That freaks me out. I already have one account in collections (repossessed car) with more than I can ever afford to pay (but must pay unless I file for bankruptcy and that's just messy). I must be able to keep my horse and afford boarding/training/vet bills/food/etc. He is my passion and makes me smile. That is what is important in my life. I enjoy feeling and seeing healing, especially in horses. I enjoy working with them. I keep getting lead this direction, so I guess I just need to jump and know that the landings will be there to welcome me.

I guess I have a plan but am just scared about failure. That's normal, right? Well, I'm tired and I have to work in the morning. I'll expand more on this tomorrow and hopefully wake up refreshed (and not woken up by the damn neighbors).

Short but sweet

I am super proud of myself today.

First, I went to work. I'm feeling better, still drained though. My plugged nose makes for some laughs though!

We went to Cheba Hut for yummy subs. I got my Humboldt - guac, provolone cheese (wish they had raw goat cheese!), lettuce, tomato, parmesan, oregano, mushrooms. Yummy. I usually get unsweetened tea. They were out. So I didn't get anything. No soda, no crappy Lipton green tea with high fructose corn syrup. Gross! I went to 7-11 and grabbed some natural lipton tea, no crap.

Made a great dinner on the fly. I think tomorrow I'll pick up a pie plate and make quiche with farm fresh eggs! And I've even fed these chickens myself. I know their names too. Ooh, and spinach and mushrooms. Maybe some green onion. Goat cheese.

*drools*

Is that you passion?

I have a feeling of calm right now, despite the chaos of tonight.


I have been struggling to find my passion, what I want to do for a living. These thoughts keep passing through my head. I want to work with horses, I want to make them feel better. I want to enjoy them. I want to be able to ride. I want to be able to train Marker. I want to be able to continue taking lessons. I want to use my veterinary knowledge, but I don't want to be a technician. I want to share joy with others. I want to help people and horses.


I think I may be on to something. The pieces weren't adding up, mostly because I didn't write them out. I have considered equine nutrition and it's still a lingering thought, but something about that isn't right right now. So I typed in Google: equine jobs. There were lists of different equine jobs, including equine nutritionist. Then I saw Equine Massage Therapist. *click!* I've always wanted to do massage therapy, but I think people are gross. For a while I thought about it and tonight it just clicked.

I'm going to research this program I found. It goes along with my belief that natural treatment works just as well and sometimes better than medical treatment.

Now I am just going to do it. It won't be easy and I will struggle, but it will be worth it.



It's amazing how calm I feel right now, even though the doubts are trying to cloud my vision.

I'm over this day

Today was a very very shitty day.


I woke up at 6:30 am to neighbors being loud outside, just sitting there talking outside our window. I'm sick, I can't breathe. I'm didn't go to Flagstaff. So I decided to take my car to get the brakes fixed since they have been squeaking and I still have money left from my paycheck. So we take it in, I feel like shit. They take it apart and tell me it's going to be $504 to fix. Checked my bank account, I have $558 in my account, Joey says he can help me until payday this Friday. So we go home, I go take a mini nap. We go pick up the car, they say it's going to be $535. The guy forgot to mention the $504 didn't include the tax, or I'm so out of if I don't remember (although Joey was there and he doesn't remember him saying it either). So I check my account, I have the $558 in there and $75 in my savings. I'll transfer it when I get home. Joey treats us to Burger King, I have a veggie burger like always. It's nice to have new brakes.

I get home, check my account. In between checking my account and paying for the car, an automatic payment went through that I forgot which day it was on. So I transfer the rest of the money. Bummer, I'll get charged for overdraft protection. Shitty.

I forgot to get tissue, and I've been using toilet paper and my nose is drying out. So I take a shower and let the steam clear it out. The food helps too. We watch a movie (Hancock - good movie, I liked it). Joey is now playing his video games, I'm online, and I find a motivational video about finding your passion in life, since I'm missing something there. He storms out of the room and I realize he's annoyed with me. Oh, I forgot. I'm super emotional from being sick and I've been thinking about my mom. I'm afraid that years down the road I may forget something about her, like her voice or her sayings or just something. I know I won't, but I'm afraid I will. It scares me. Joey did go get me tissue, I forgot that.


Ok I just came back from a half hour conversation that I don't even know if it happened. Maybe everything will just be better in the morning. I can't finish this blog because I don't want to rehash what may or may not have happened.

Don't think, just be.

Tired and excited

I had a somewhat epiphany today. While stacking boxes, I thought this in my head. People who aren't terribly concerned about their weight (yes they are healthy and eat right and exercise) and just want to stay fit tend to be thin. People who are concerned about their weight and that number on the scale and the number in their jeans tend to have weight problems. Not necessarily being overweight, but possibly even underweight too. When you are more concerned about how you feel, everything else just comes naturally. When you stress about it and diet and push yourself and deprive yourself beyond belief, nothing comes naturally except dis-ease.

It was a wow moment. I've been teetering on that for the longest time, but it hit me smack in the face.


I'm going up to Flagstaff tomorrow for the weekend and I'm super excited to get out of this heat. I really do hate the heat. I honestly have no idea why I live here. I go through this every year too. I wonder why I live here, I plan to move. I never do (or I come back), and then I love the winter. My fair Irish skin is not made for this kind of heat. I feel like I'm choking on the air when I breathe because it's so hot.


And I'm hoping this is just allergies, but I have a feeling it's not. I've been sneezing a lot more than usual and now my nose is stuffy and this morning my throat slightly hurt, but it went away. Ugh.

This will be very short

I'm exhausted but had an awesome day.

We were kinda busy at work, enough for a steady stream, despite computer crappiness.
I had to rinse my mouth to get rid of the purple hue from my smoothie at lunch. And I LOVE nuts! OMG.


I'm still having trouble with the dinners. Tonight I went out with Michael and his girlfriend Erica (I think that's how she spells it) for dinner at Chopsticks (Erinn I thought of you!). Had wonderful orange tofu with carrots and a spring roll and water.


I'm super excited for Flagstaff this weekend. It will be nice to be around horse people.

I'm super tired though, so goodnight all!

New Beginnings

When something doesn't work anymore, you should fix it. The problem with fixing things is that you must know a possible solution, or at least the first step to finding the solution.


Ever since I graduated from high school, I have been struggling with my weight. To be honest, and yes I will always be honest here, I have had weight problems since 7th grade. In middle school, I went through a period of depression that lasted about 8 or 9 months consecutively. In this depression, I also developed an unhealthy relationship with food. I went through some sort of anorexia, I weighed less than 100 pounds at one point. The number on the scale was always important. I'm still struggling with trying not to pay attention to it. It will probably always be an issue with me. I'm learning to be okay with that too.

All through high school, I did not eat. I would forget to eat. I would be too stressed to eat. I would eat crappy when I would eat. I didn't know what to eat. Sometimes I was worried that we couldn't afford to buy those nice little things to eat.

This continued when I moved out, except I was dating Michael, who liked to cook. And I had my own money to buy food. So I gained weight. Slowly but surely. And as the stress of work and school added, the more I ate like crap. And the more I gained. And the more I stressed about it. I attempted half-heartedly to diet, but I got bored and frustrated so it never happened.


I've lost weight successfully and then gained it back. I lost about 20 pounds a few years ago with Medifast, but as soon as I stopped it, it all came back. Something was missing. I wasn't listening to my body.



(fast forward)


In this last month, I discovered how amazing food can be. Am I 100% healthy? No. Am I on my way there? Hell yes! It's hard. Some days all I want to do is get ice cream and eat as much as I want until I get sick. And some days, I end up doing that. Life happens. I'm human. I'm trying to manipulate learned behavior that started back when I was 12. That's more than a decade!

So I'm slowly changing things. With the help of my beautiful wonderful friend Terra! I'm developing a more healthy relationship with food. It started with adding sea salt to my water and eating fruit before each meal. Now it's starting to be a routine. Well almost! But I'm getting there.

And can I just add that I had the most amazing sandwich ever today! I had Ezekial bread with green leaf lettuce, cucumber, avocado (I love avocados!), raw sharp cheddar goat cheese, and a little bit of Gala apple. OMG it was amazing. I love eating with my hands. There is something so grounding about it, it feels right.

Now to just get motivated at home. That is my downfall right now - I lose that motivation to be amazing to myself when I get home.

So that's my story. I'll be back tomorrow!